http://pixabay.com/users/ThuyHaBich-6663646/
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A month ago an old trauma entered my consciousness stealthily, quietly, but once detected it had enormous power and fear.
I went from believing I was an expert on handling PTSD, to acting like a novice without direction or skills.
Knowing better than to handle my trauma, I dissociated for hours trying to change the outcome, save my Ego from being humiliated.
For a month, all my skills bounced off this new trauma.
Hard lesson: No matter how powerful I develop my skills, identifying with my Ego and entertaining trauma thoughts always wins easily.
My skills were worthless when I refused to let go.
We need to carve out a small space where we are present, empty of thought.
I had to change the narrative that was stored with this last trauma. It was distorted by my Ego.
Once my Ego let go of betrayal, the movie playing in my head over and over stopped.
My male ego felt invisible, I surmised my Egos desire were those belonging to my core, my soul.
In fact it was an image created for identity (Ego), that took control of my being through PTSD’s mechanisms.
When I dropped the concept of betrayal, my male Ego emerged as the main culprit in my suffering.
Awareness has uncovered others ways my male Ego deals with life.
He has become more rigid and stealthy as he has aged.
Remember our Ego feels like the real Marty, Sandy, Mike etc.
Ask someone who they are?
Watch how the Ego describes itself, what does it value most?
I need to explore the influence my Ego has in my life after this last episode.
Who are you?
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